chapter 19

“So, Nick tells me you did find us because of another vision”.

 “Vision” Francis said. He looked at me carefully.

“Is that what it was? Where you really there the few times I saw you. Did you see all of that”? He said now whispering the last words when he realised what I had witnessed.

He looked down at the bed. I got closer to him and brought my hand slowly on his cheek, rubbing it slowly, and then lifting his chin up until our eyes met.

“It is ok, no one will ever know”.

A small smile returned on his face. “But how Nick, how”.

I explained over the next hour or so what had happened the first time when I was at Nick’s place and got the feeling that something was wrong, until the last bit where I had seen him laying in hospital.

“I have felt you, you know several times. It gave me strength although I was never sure if it was for real or just my imagination”.

“It was true. Mom said that somehow our connection must be very strong as the person that is seen in the vision never knows that they are in one”.

“Hmm yea, well I hope you know how I feel Nick, despite everything that happened the mistake taken that never changed”.

“I know Francis, I know, as long as you do too”.

“Ok, guys how sappy can this gets” Randy said.

I got closer to Francis and gave him a long and tender kiss on his mouth. “How soppy do you want it as we can oblige” I said looking at him when we finished kissing.

We talked about a lot of things over the next hour or so, but then it was time to call it a day. I knew they would be good together, not alone and I hoped that Randy would be able to help Francis a bit with it all as well. It might be easier for him to do that then it would be for me.

They stayed in hospital for another week. We went home together. Randy was pressured to stay around until he felt better. What I had started to wonder about lately though was the fact that Randy for some reason never had to call some one, never had to get back to family or even talked about them. I felt there was a not so pleasant story behind it. It just mend I wanted to make sure how I appreciated his friendship which had grown over the last few years.

We had been able to postpone parties that had been planned. But David, Kathy and the little one had come over to stay for a little time. After 2 weeks Francis had gone to the psychologist as he knew how it helped me. He hadn’t opened up a lot and I could feel how he felt when I didn’t do that to him earlier either.

Randy had left and slowly the world started to return to its normal self again. I knew I had to pick up university again soon but I was still struggling with leaving Francis behind.

One afternoon we where sitting together in the living room. My Dad and Susan had gone out for the evening. Somehow there was a tension in there as if we both knew we needed to talk about the future. I looked at him. Pulled him close in a hug’s and kissed him passionately.

“Are you afraid of the future Francis” I whispered softly.

He pushed me back a bit; our eyes locked “Never Nick, not while I know I have you”.

“Me too Francis, me too. But I want never to get in a situation that all got us in this mess”.

“Me neither. But how are we going to do that”.

“I don’t know Francis. I know we can talk when we are together, but the distance created by our individual careers got definitely in the way. I got frustrated, I think not so much with you as with the fact that we were not talking, not seeing each other enough”.

“Hmm, yea I talked with the psychologist about that too”.

“Did he had the answer”?

He laughed, “Did you forget Nick, and he hasn’t gotten the answers just the questions”.

I smiled now as well realising what I had said. “But he has some good questions isn’t it”.

“Yea he has, I am getting there I can feel that but it is hard work”.

“You making progress with him”. Francis asked.

“Slowly but this is something that I don’t think he can help me with, but we will see”.

“You wane talk about it”.

“hmm not yet, maybe later”

“So what do you feel about going back to the university and start up training again”. I asked.

“I don’t know Nick, I would love to as I am more then ever know why I would want to do it but on the other hand I am not sure I could with you not there”.

“So you would want me to come and live with you”.

“No, not if that means that you can’t follow your dream. I would never want to stand in the way of that”.

“Me neither of yours that would make me feel like I am holding you back, made you make a decision that you might regret”.

“What then” I looked at him.

“I don’t know now, really don’t but I am dreading the moment that we need to make some kind of decision”.

“You know I could come over. I can paint and draw where ever I want”.

“No, not without the support of a good teacher in it. I know you are gifted very gifted even but I am sure you are still eager to learn to develop techniques and find new ways to express yourself with it”.

“Not sure I want to though. Not anymore after all that happened”.

“That will pass and you know it”.

“I don’t Francis and that is what is bothering me most. How will it go from now on. I haven’t had any visions so far but what will happen”.

“But you can’t stop. You will deal with it and use it to make your drawing and painting even better”.

I looked at him. I knew he was right, dead right but there was no way that I would leave him on his own, never again, I knew that too.

We got silent again, sitting beside each other cherishing the moment but the air filled with unanswered questions, questions that got to the hard of our feelings.

That night though was the first time that we slept close and snuggle up all night asI didn’t feel him crawl away anymore. I was still careful to touch him but I smiled when I woke up realizing my hand was resting on his stomach, feeling the heat it was generated, the softness of his skin. I didn’t move and turned my head towards him. I had seen him restless in his sleep but I also had seen the improvement over the last few days and felt he was happy and content being there beside me.

During the last session with the psychologist he had asked me if I wanted to do a joined session with Francis. I had been thinking about it for some time now and I guess that it was time to really get to the bottom of this. I was not sure if Francis was ready for it but we needed to face it before we could move on.

‘You are awake early Nick?”

“Just enjoying the view Francis.”

He smiled.

“You were thinking about ……”

“I wasn’t.”

“Oh, yea you were. I can tell you get that very cute expression on your face when you do. Like you want to say something out loud but you just don’t do. Your mouth a little bit open almost like a smile that is starting to form.”

I blushed. “Guitly then I guess.”

“So , what was it?”

“Hmm, did the psychologist ask you to do a joined session too?”

“Hm, yea more or less. He said we would needed to do one in the end.”

“So what do you think?”

“I don’t know Nick, not sure I am ready for that yet. I am still trying to deal with it all.”

“Oh, no problem when ever you ready for it. Just tell him ok. He won’t rush you.”

“You want to then?”

“I might be, yea.”

“Oh, well maybe then.”

“No, Francis not until your ready, ok?”

My mobile phone went off so I turned over to pick it up.

“Nick here.”

“Hi mom, how are you? It is Mom,” I said looking now at Francis.

I heard her say something but I was more distracted by the respons on Francis’s face.

“I will get up and go and have a shower,” he whispered and walked off.

“Sorry Mom what did you say”.

“Yea, I think that would be ok. When?”.

“Oh, I will ask Francis but don’t think it will be a problem. We will be here.”

I hung up as she was in town and wanted to visit that afternoon.

I got up and walked to the shower. I got undressed as I saw movements of Francis through the misty glass of the shower. I smiled and felt how my dick had started to get hard.

I opened the door. Before I could step in though Francis pushed it further open and said “All yours I am done.” I tried to look at him but he picked up his towel and went to his room. I though tabout stepping in the shower but turned around and followed him back to our bedroom.

“Hmm Francis?”

“Yea Nick.”

“You, ok?”

“Yea”

‘Well Mom is visting this afternoon.”

“Good, I was planning to go into to town any way.”

“You are not going to stay around to see her then?”

“No, she is here for you.”

“But she would like to meet you too.”

“Oh, that can wait.”

I thought about pushing it, but it might have been the wrong descion at that point. I knew he was not happy with her but I didn’t realize it was that deep.

“Ok, I will go and have a shower be right back.”

He left before she was there and didn’t come back till later. He said he had run into Brian and Andy and had dinner with them. Not that I doubted his words but still it seems he avoided her for sure.

Not a lot happened over the two weeks that followed as we got closer again slowly. He let me get closer I could feel that but we didn’t talk. I had questions and I am sure he had too but they didn’t surface at all. On the Wednesday, my appointment with the psychologist was going ok. When I was about to leave he said, “Wait you can stay here. We have another session. Francis said he was ready to have the joined session.”

“Oh, ok,”  I wondered though while he hadn’t said anything. When the psychologist saw the surprise on my face he said. “He didn’t tell you?”

“No, not sure why not though.”

“Well a good question to ask then?”

He walked to the door and a moment later Francis got in.

He smiled and said “I am ready.”

“Sit down please Francis. Ok. I have been in favour of a joined session as I think there are things you are not telling each other. I am here to help you, to give safe surroundings. I hope you will keep promises to each other that nothing in here will be repeated to others ok, just like the promise you have from me?”

I nodded and Francis said “Yea of cause.”

It got silent then. Neither of us said anything and when we looked at the psychologist he was just watching his notes. Now what I thought. Normally I would talk and he would say things from time to time. Sometimes he asked questions to clearify stuff or even just to make me think about what I said. But now here with Francis in it.

I looked at Francis, he looked away.

“Hmm guys. I am ok with a joined session and you are paying for it but I think it would be a good idea to make the most out of that time don’t you think?”  He looked now at both of us.

He smiled. “You are all the same, well lets see Nick you had a question you wanted to ask Francis when he got in. Why not start there?”

“Yea ok. Hmm I wanted to ask why he didn’t tell me that he had booked the joined session?”

I looked at the psychologist while saying this.

He smiled again. “Ask him not me Nick.”

I looked now at Francis and repeated my self. “Why didn’t you tell me Francis?”

“Hm, I “ he looked at the psychologist. He let out a long sigh before going on. “I was afraid, afraid you might want to talk about it already.”

“Why, you know how important talking is, you said yourself.”

“I know but not about this Nick. I know that I need to as it involves us but I can’t not about this.”

“Oh, but why now then?”

“I don’t know. I felt like we where sliding again and that I was the reason more then you. I felt I was not making the effort for it. We talked about it last session and I knew this was the right thing to do.”

“So you want to talk but not at home,” I said more with a smile now.

“Yea”

“Good, I don’t mind where we talk as long as we do Francis.” I got my hand close to his arm now and touched it. He moved away a bit.

With that question answered, it got silent again. “Don’t have you any questions for Nick?” the psychologist asked

He blushed.

“Or do you want tell first what we have been talking about it”.

He looked still very nervous. I had been there I had been in the spot light and I knew how he felt about it.

“Let me first otherwise, ok?”

He turned towards me now. I saw the psychologist nodded to go on.

“I know Francis I told you at the hospital most of how we found you. I explained about the visions or better how Mom told me that it was something genetic. You know we have had them as you saw me or better felt my presence when I had them. What I know so far about it is that I can get them when we are somehow at the same moment, emotionally touched and drawn to each other at the same time. It happened as you know a few times”.

“Can you see and hear anything that goes around then?”

“No, I can just see your surroundings and feel how you feel but that is it. Nothing more.”

“Oh, have you had them with others?”

I smiled at that one, “No, only with you my love.” I got a smile back for that one.

“So you only experiences a few times then it might just be those and over with them from now onwards?”

“Well not exactly Francis as some how it helps me to draw and paint as well. Not sure how but Mom told me that her Dad, my Grand Dad had the same powers and had drew a lot. She said it is like he was able to put emotions that he saw into his drawings”.

“You think it works for you the same then?”

“It looks almost like that doesn’t it? You have seen them and it seems most of the reviews about them said that that was part of the astonishing things. So there must be some truth in it. And then there is the competition, the gymnastic ability it seems I suddenly got out of now where. You know what happened. I did those routines that Alexei did. I saw them and copied them, some how that must be part of that same kind of talent that I inherited as well.”

“Hmm, yea that would explain that.”

“So what has that to do with your Mom running off then?”.   I knew that that was one of the questions he had. Not sure if that was the one why he had been avoinding her but it was one I was not sure I could answer. I hadn’t told David about it and not sure I ever would. He seemed to have been ok the last few times. Not that he wanted a lot of contact with her. But I could feel that Kathy for sure but I think even David wanted their son to know their Grand Mother.

This time I took a deep breath. I looked up to him now, our eyes met. “You know we said that the psychologist didn’t had the answers but was able to ask the right questions well you have done just that Francis. It is something that I am still dealing with. Again I could easily say oh it is something that comes along with the vision talent but it is to easy it feels to easy you know.”

“Just tell me if you want, if not it can wait”.

“No, it can’t you know. This all has been part of what has been hanging in between us. It has to be said. Maybe not understood but I know for sure there can’t be no secrets between us. I can’t do that anymore. If we want to move onwards these are things we need to deal with Francis so…, “ I took another deep breath.

“There is something that comes attached with the vision. It seems it is away to control them as it seems there are negative parts that come attached with them. I can asure you so far I have not encountered them but Mom told me that it is not pleasant. To get on any moment a feel of what some one else is feeling, planning or even has done in the past. She said it doesn’t happen all the time but it gets more frequent from the time you start to become, hmm sexual involved”.

Francis wanted to say something. “NO, wait let me go on as I said she found a way to control them. At first she didn’t realize it that happened but it also got her trapped. How, you will soon see. The way to control it, is to go and follow your feelings, act upon them so to say. Mom started to do that a few years after I was born and before she realized she was trapped, trapped in the net of the organization. She had told some one she trusted about her visions and it seemed he had been the wrong person to do that. She learned her lesson but couldn’t get out anymore”.

“So what did she do then, on what feeling this she act?” he asked. I was not sure but some part in his tone of voice told me that he knew as there was a slight tremble in it.

I waited not sure what words to use for it. I looked at the psychologist who had been very quite, he nodded as to encourage me to tell. I had told him which ended in me feeling a lot happier with it as it had helped to put past feelings on its place.

“You know I love you Francis, but, well you know we talked about it before. I can be turned on, not a little bit but enormous when I get humiliated, you know sexual, like with Mike or the doctors. Not sure the pain stuff but the humiliation like the one time I went with you all shopping for those gymnastic outfit, well that was just one bit turn on. I wanked that evening at least 3 times”.  I stopped as I waited for a response.

It seems they are part of the visions as how they connect with each other I don’t know, Mom doesn’t know but it seems they do. It seems to make them less heavy or so. But at least for Mom it meant she was able to deal with it. But also how they got her into their grip. She couldn’t get out without hurting Dad and when they found out about the visions they would not let her go any more. She got out before they would use us to blackmail her as she didn’t want to bring us in danger”.

“Hm,, have you ever acted on them, needed to do that?”.  He asked looking confused

“No, never as I said I never had them until the ones since you got kidnapped but you know I was turned on by what Mike did as I told you. Well it seems that is all part of the vision talent as well. It is something I, maybe even we have to deal with as I am afraid that it is not something to go away”.

 “What do you expect me to do then Nick?”

“Nothing you don’t want and nothing that is dangerous. Just be open and try to understand.”

“Maybe I can help her, Francis,” the psychologist interjected as, “Although this is something between the two of you, it is also something that I can shed some light on. At first when Nick told about his feelings. We explored them and came to the conclusion that just like all people have their turns ons and turn offs this was his. Some call it a fetish I just call it part of the stimulation that gets you off. There are people thinking that those kind of turn ons and turn offs are some how connected with their upbring and surroundings of that. I am sure that there has to do be something genetic as well. Now with the story of his Mom it seems to confirm my thoughs about it and we have been discussing that lately.  You understand that?”

“Yea I can relate to that. So no problem but …”

“Ok, let me finish Francis. Now you wonder if you need to do something if Nick needs to feel and be unlawfull to you or even if you need to take part in it. That is not the case, like with other turn ons or turn offs it is good as they are in the open but no need for them to act upon as long as both partners know them. They might use them in their relationship but there is no need for it. How it will go with you, is something you will learn, you will find out. As long as you keep talking about it. And I know you both know how important it is to talk about stuff.”

“So where does that leave us know then?”

“I would say a lot closer to understanding. As long as you are open to each other.”

“You ok with it then Nick?” he asked.

“I don’t know Francis. I just know now where to place it, deal with it as you might want to say. Not easy but at least I don’t need to wonder about it. As I said I could make it easy with that and just act on it or something like that but that is not me. I think you know that. It is still something I feel, something I need to be open about and sometimes confront it helps to deal with it and live our lives with it. You see?” I said looking into his eyes.

He didn’t answer, he didn’t look away either but their was doubt in his eyes.

I was afraid to disturb the silence there was as I knew what would be said was going to be important and I was afraid to let that moment go.

“I don’t know if I can?” he said with a trembling voice.

I touched his arm again to let him know he would not be alone to do this. He didn’t move away anymore this time.

“Francis, maybe this is the time to tell why, you know what you talked about it last time,” the psychologist said.

“I know, but “he let out a sigh. “You are so much futher Nick, I am not there yet. Not sure I will ever be able to get it past you know. But ok, I guess I can tell you some of it at least.”

He looked at me and said, “Please don’t interrupt me as not sure I can do this otherwise.”

I smiled and said, “Ok, love.”

“I am afraid Nick. So afraid. I was shocked to shocked to deal with when it all happened. I was lost and most of the times that is still how I feel, lost. You know, oh yea you know it is so difficult to even find to believe that they can control you like that. In a sexual way I mean. .. I “

So that was it, he hadn’t believed it could happen and now he found the need to some how get to grips with it. Would I be able to help him with this?

“I now realise what it must have been for you, it is incredible that some how some one can so easily do so much to you that you get stimulated and are able to cum even if your mind is saying no, don’t. I tried to fight it, oh yea I did till the end. I guess that was partly lucky as well as otherwise I would never have lost that competition. I knew I would have been aloud to go with Randy but I lost oh so many times, and each time it happened I felt I betrayed you. But I couldn’t help it. Oh I know they used stimulants, a lot maybe even but that didn’t matter that my mind couldn’t deal with it. I think since then I have gone through all the several emotions that go with it anger at me, at them but I think I have to be honest as some things really got to me and turned me on. I guess part of me has found a few of the turn ons and turn offs as you say. But I am mad in the way I had to find out. You know it is not something that they can just force onto you. It is shocking and ….. well I don’t know. I am not sure if I can ever do stuff like that again. Even sex it is come all so shallow, so unpersonal. So much part of the body, like my mind had and has nothing to do with it”.  A tear started to run over his cheeks.

I moved closer and layed my arm around his shoulders.

“Is that what it was before this all happened. All the things we did, the quality time we spend?” I asked him.

“No, but I am so much afraid that I have lost that feeling. That I can’t connect the two together anymore.”

He looked at me now. I gave him a smile “We will, we will find that together again.”

“I quess I am just afraid I won’t be able to anymore. As I said the experience was quite shocking and I am not sure I can trust myself to feel anymore.”

“As we spoke about Francis, you will you will have to give it time,” The psychologist said.

“It took time for me too Francis, remember. I had lost some of that too and it took the European holiday to get it back.”

“I know, but not sure how you did it though.”

“Trust. I trusted you and trusted your love for me. I guess somewhere inside me I know I could trust the feeling of my love for you too.”

“But …. You never afraid you would become like your Mom then?”

I looked at him, surprised at his question. Now I knew something about my Mom had been bothering him. I just didn’t know what. It seem that was the next point to deal with. Not sure I wanted to as there was still a lot of uncertainty in that subject for myself.

“What do you mean, become like Mom?”

‘Un attached from her love. Letting her lust take over and leave those who she loved. Getting other people involved in the same and so mislead them into a false path of body and lust”.

“You think that is what happened with her and why she did it”.

“I don’t know Nick. I just know what I saw at that place and you saw only the light stuff, there was more, more then I even might be able to tell you. She might not have been involved, no let me rephrase that. What you told me about Damion is what makes me believe that if she really is up to something then she would have prevented that to happen already.”

I stared at him. I hadn’t touched that subject with Mom yet but it has been on my list. Knowing her she would have said probably it is none of your business but still, he had a point there. Not sure how deep she had been in, but I was sure that she never did anything to stop it neither.

“Oh, hmm I don’t know Francis I truly don’t and it is one of the questions I have for her, not sure she will answer them. But I don’t know. I quess I just want to get to know her again and then sees where it all goes”.

“Not sure I can Nick, or at least not for a long time. She is connected to what happened and even talking about it now makes me feel full with rage and anger towards her so I think that is one of those topics that we can see, yea it is in the open but we need to approche it carefully. For now I don’t need to meet her or to get to know her.”

“You don’t want me to ….”.

“Shsss Nick, no if that is what you want to do, go ahead. Get to know her again. Just don’t expect me to do that for some time. Maybe in the end I might, that is if you still want me to, then.”

“You don’t think she will stay around that she is trying to be a Mother again”.

“No, I don’t think she will as I think she can’t she is not able anymore. I have seen people there that can’t Nick. They don’t feel anymore, they just act.”

I looked at him shocked. He was pretty much asure of it. No doubt in his voice, his face, his body language at all. I looked at the psychologist “Is that possible?”

“Yea it happened. The people that Francis described to me more or less were having all the symptoms. Not sure your Mom is like that but then she might be I don’t know. But it does exist.”

I closed my eyes. It all brought a new perspective on it. I guess my eyes had been closed for that part of it all. I was just happy that she had come back and that we had found Francis because of that. The rest, the anger, etc. that I had felt had gone because of what she had gone through, but now, I didn’t know, I just didn’t know.

“Take your time Nick as we spoke off your relationship with your Mom is not easy. Not after what had happened and as you said a few meetings ago it depends more on her actions in the future then what happened in the past. That will make it clear to you if you can trust her or not and that is only up to you and to no one else”.

“He is right about that Nick. I am not want to pressure you or do something you don’t want to. It is up to you. I just want you to know that your Mom is for now to close connected to what happened with me and that is something I am not able yet to separate. I might not even be able to do that at all”.

“Ok, but where does that leave us then?” I said as he had brought up a major point so far, two points I was not sure how we could deal with.

“Where we were before you silly. Just that we talked about it now. I know what you have been doing for the last 2 weeks. I know when you placed your hand for the first time during the night on my belly. It felt good. No it felt wonderfull and safe. So you are doing the right things. You are making me feel less afraid little by little. It is going to take time we both know that. You have been there and we got there in the end. Now it is me, you are doing all the things you need to do. I am taking my little steps and although my mind knows all of this my heart has more trouble with what I feel.”

“What about Mom then?”

“That I don’t know. You must go on with what ever you want as long as for now you leave me out of it. Maybe when we get this a bit more behind us I might want to talk with her but not now, ok?”

I looked up at the psychologist. He smiled and then started laughing when I saw that Francis just did the same. When he got it under control and saw that there were smiles on our lips as well he said, “You are so the same you know, so different but most of the times you act so much the same. But I guess this is it for now. You guys keep talking like this to each other, be open and upfront and you will go away from all this as a much stronger individuals and couple then before it all.”

“Thanks for the session I guess,” I said to him as we stood up to shake hands.

“Oh, I think you can have one on your own next time. As long as you did what you did in here and talk, honestly. I didn’t do that much at all.”

“I don’t think so, not sure I would have been able to do this without you to be honest,”Francis said.

“I know that is what the private session are for but be honest Francis does it feel a lot better now you told Nick. Now he knows what you are afraid of what you are dealing with?”

He looked at me. “Yea I guess it does.”

“Well keep that in mind next time you have difficulties to tell him something. Don’t walk away as face up to it and you will feel better afterwards for it.”

“I guess that might help.”

“Ok, you guys have a good weekend and see you next week for your private sessions.”

“Bye doc and thanks,” I said with a smile.

“So what are we going to do now Francis?”

“Oh, I know what I want, lets get home”

When we got home he took me straight to our bedroom.  Come down here and sit on the bed with me. I sat beside him.

He got closer and kissed me on my cheek. “Thanks for being here Nick. Without you this would almost impossible to deal with. Now lets get undressed.”

I saw that he got his t-shirt off. I had seen his body in the hospital but it had gained now a bit more and even some of his muscles had returned from the working out he had been doing. I did the same and got my t-shirt off. Just when I was about to pull it over my head I could feel one of his hands going over my body. I pulled it off and threw it on the ground. A moment later he got his hands on my zipper and lowered it. He unbuttoned it and pushed me up. My trousers fell on the ground. Now standing in a nice white boxerbrief I sat back down. He got my hand and pulled it towards his zipper. I understood what he wanted. I could feel the electricity going through me while opening his zipper my hand touched a very hard dick. I opened the button. Francis now pushed his hips up and lowered his trousers, reveiling a dark blue brief. Not big but just the size to hold in his big wood. He now moved onwards on the bed and lay down on the pillow. His hand softly touching the matrass making sure I knew where he wanted me.

I got beside him. He put his arm wide out, I got my head on it. He pushed his hand down now close over my shoulder again. My head rested on his shoulder feeling the warmed of his chest, the sound of his heart, peacefull giving away the rhythm of life.

I wanted to say something but just didn’t know what, nor did I want to break what felt like a fragile moment. “Nice, safe,” Francis whispered. I stayed there relaxed and happy to be close again with my love.

Much, much later Francis told me that had been the first night he had slept again without having a dream or night mare disturbing him. Oh, he had him afterwards again but this was the first time he didn’t.

chapter 20

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